In marital or other relationship arguments, it’s common for both partners to feel frustrated, hurt, and unheard.  Often, it seems that a simple comment turns into an argument that escalates quickly.  After awhile, both of you give up.  So what can you do?

After studying marriages for many years, John Gottman, Ph.D. and his team of relationship researchers have found some answers.  One very important finding that came from their work is that if an argument is started with a criticism, it has a 96% chance of failure!  That means that the very first sentence that is spoken in the argument can have a huge impact on the argument outcome!

So, you may be wondering, how can I raise an issue if I don’t criticize?  To answer that question, we first need to clarify the difference between a criticizing and its helpful alternative, complaining.

Dr. Gottman defines criticism as making your issue known in a way that also implies that there is something wrong with your partner’s personality or character.  The use of labels is one defining factor in criticism.  For example, “You’re such a slob! Why don’t you ever pick up your socks?” is a criticism, because of the global implication that the word “slob” has.  In addition, saving up complaints fits in this category.  If you go after your partner for numerous problems all at once, it is also likely to feel global.

So what’s your alternative?  Complaining.  This is when you raise the problem in a respectful way, that describes your partner’s problem behavior, your feelings about it, and the desired behavior.  If we re-use the above example, the criticism expressed as a complaint is: “Sam, you left your socks on the bathroom floor again.  It’s upsetting to me, because I’m busy and I feel like you expect me to clean up after you.  Can you please make an effort to put them in the laundry basket?”

If you can learn to complain rather than criticize, you may find that you and your partner solve more problems, build intimacy, and get more of what you want from your relationship.

Want to learn more?  Check out “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman and Nan Sliver.  And tune in here for future posts on relationships and couples therapy…